Well here I am, 5 radiation treatments in to my new schedule. I have 25 left for a total of 30. It is already wearing on me- the having to go every single day. It does help, though, that I like the radiation techs that I see every day. I go in to the office, walk back to change into a gown, and then meet my tech outside the treatment area. I am walked in and I get to lay in a mold of my own body so that I am in the exact same position every time. They adjust all the angles, place a warm wet towel on my breast, and let the machine work its magic. I was told that the wet towel helps bring the radiation to the skin in order to get the maximum effect. It's been working, as I have turned pink faster than we thought... The most common side effect from radiation is skin burns. Some people only get a mild "sunburn," while others could get to the point of raw open wounds. I am not to use anything prior to treatment, but Aquaphor is okay for after. Hopefully I never get to the extremes. Oh, and I'm not allowed to wear regular deodorant as it is aluminum based. :-/
Once I am done with radiation, I will have another CT scan to make sure there is no more evidence of disease in my body. This is scheduled for June 25th. Six months after I am done with radiation (hopefully the end of November), I will have my exchange surgery for my permanent implants. They won't touch my radiated skin until it has had time to heal enough to be elastic instead of tough and contracted. I absolutely cannot wait for that day- the tissue expanders are hard and uncomfortable. I can feel them all the time. I am pretty much fully expanded to desired size, though we may have to reevaluate once I lose my extra weight.
I have not made it through this unscathed. As much as I appear to be strong, I am only doing what I have to do. There is no other option. Cancer has invaded every aspect of my life. Chemotherapy killed not only cancer but other normal fast reproducing cells as well, I lost my hair, I lost muscle mass, I lost digestive function. Sure I made it through, but I will have long term side effects such as weak heart muscles/valves. The surgery removed my womanhood. I don't refer to them as breasts or boobs anymore, I refer to them as foobs- fake boobs. They are NOT me. They are hard, it hurts me when my children cuddle. Plus I have scars- big ugly scars- and no nipples. I feel ugly and deformed and I hate wearing form fitting clothes. And the radiation causes its own damage. My skin will be burned and because they are radiating my left breast, there is a high risk of heart damage from this too.
Even though the end is in sight, I won't ever live my days free of this beast called cancer. My scars will remind me. My figure will remind me. I will live my life scared to death that not only will the cancer come back, but will I suffer a heart attack or other heart problems? I also have to fear ovarian cancer because of the gene mutation I have. I'm not ready to have my ovaries removed prophylactically, I'm only 29. And then there is the PTSD I seem to already be suffering. I get nauseated when I see a syringe or when I learn of someone newly diagnosed. I haven't had my port flushed like I should because I can't deal with the idea of going into the chemo treatment room anymore. I literally cry when I see children cancer patients. This disease is so unfair.
I am doing the best I can to deal with this, but that doesn't make me strong. It doesn't make me weak either. I read an article/ blog post that really made me say "Amen," and I'd like you all to take a look at it. I'm sure I'm not the only person you know who has or has had cancer. Some Thoughts On How To Be a Friend To Someone With A Serious Illness I may not be Stage 4 (yet), but a lot of it applies to my situation.
A couple of FYIs- My YouCaring site is still active if you are interested in helping. YouCaring- Courtney's Journey Unexpected
And a friend of mine who sells Thirty-One gifts is donating her own proceeds from the sale of products in a "Fundraiser for Courtney" party to help. You you love Thirty-One (I do!), or are interested in shopping AND helping me, you can shop her site until April 28th. On the website, click on "My Parties" and find the one for me. www.mythirtyone.com/193122
