Pinch Me, Please.

It really does feel like a dream.  3 months ago, I was worried about getting in all my internship hours and finally finishing school.  Now that I'm done with school, I have to worry about fighting cancer.  I didn't really think this was the "next step" in my life.  Honestly, I didn't think that cancer would evade me, I always knew it could happen, but at 28?  Isn't it supposed to be for post-menopausal women?  But obviously cancer doesn't discriminate. 

Now I'm recovering from my first round of chemotherapy and the haze that was this past weekend.  I've been told that it only gets worse as treatment goes on- that it is harder to bounce back after each infusion- and I can't help but wonder HOW?  The doctors decided on a dose dense treatment because I'm young and supposedly can handle it, but I'm really not sure I can.  I've got three of my own children that I need to take care of, plus three other ones that I WANT to take care of.  This is not me.  I cannot be weak.

As I updated, Saturday was spent in bed.  I remember barely anything.  No vomitting, thank goodness, but I discovered that the meds that were keeping me from throwing up were actually causing me to not be able to keep my eyes open.  When there's a warning on the bottle that says "May cause blurred vision," I might want to think twice about taking it.  I feel SO much better since cutting that out.  I'm definitely not 100% yet.  Or even 90%.  I'm probably about 75%, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I get back to the 90% in order to have my little boy's birthday this weekend.

Right now, the most unpleasant thing I'm dealing with (aside from the this weekend) is the icky mouth.  Chemo kills new cells, so all the cells in my mouth are dying.  I have dry mouth, I have a film, I can feel the skin coming off, and I can't taste anything.  I'm using the rinse that my nurse practitioner suggested to combat mouth sores, but I'm still frustrated.  And my stomach hurts.  The chemo also kills the good bacteria that grows in the intestinal tract, so my digestion is way off.  I eat, but don't digest...

I'm on day #7 and I think my hair is starting to come out.  No chunks or anything yet, but when I combed it out after my shower today, there was definitely more than normal in the comb.  I will definitely be wig shopping in the next couple of days.  And I am planning on getting a hot pink one.  If not now, when?  :)

When I get twinges in my breast, I like to imagine the cancer cells dying.  When I was first diagnosed and felt anything, I disgustingly thought about how the disease was rapidly multiplying.  Now it's on its way out.  I can't wait to see the tumor shrink- to have measurable results.  Both my oncologist and my surgeon think this will be the case.  I still am not sure what the future of my treatment will be, though I am keeping my fingers crossed that once I have my mastectomy, my margins will be clear along with the lymph nodes.

Oh, and by the way, everyone is invited to my 30th birthday party.  I used to say that this would be the last year I was going to age (I turn 29 one week from yesterday), but I have decided that my 30th birthday celebration will be a big hoopla.  This cancer will be GONE, and that is a great reason to celebrate.

Not feeling so hot...

Yes, chemo sucks.  Thursday after the infusion, I felt fine.  Friday wasn't great, but I could function (managed a shower and a trip to the doctor).  Saturday I barely got out of bed.  I haven't been throwing up since the medicine they sent me home with takes care of that, but I am so incredibly tired.  I feel like I have the flu.  I can't stand too long without getting dizzy or nauseated.  It takes all I have just to use the bathroom.  Keep your fingers crossed that this only lasts a couple of days because I really don't know how I'll handle 4 whole months of feeling like this.  The good news?  One treatment down, only seven to go (we hope).

I'll try to update more when I get my wits about me.  I also have some pictures I'll try to post.

The Thing Called Chemotherapy

Well, I had my first infusion today.  It wasn't bad at all being in the chair.  I am SO glad I went ahead with the port, because honestly, my arm veins are already exhausted.  And the port is so easy; they poke my chest, tape it steady, and I'm good to go.  I can bring things to do, I can bring things to eat, I can bring a friend, I just can't bring children.  I will be doing this every other week for at least 4 months.

Right now I feel okay.  I'm starting to feel tired, but I'm pretty sure that's because I had a long day and it's getting close to bed time.  We were told that onset of "side effects" can happen anywhere from the night of treatment to four days later.  I'll let everyone know when mine kick in.  :)  Who's willing to babysit again?

As I was walking with the nurse practitioner, I saw my oncologist in the hall.  He made a point to stop me and tell me that the results from the biopsy on Tuesday were negative.  Woohoo!  So treatment will not change at all.  I do not have cancer in the right breast.  And talking about the nurse practitioner, she mentioned BRCA gene testing.  Because if I am positive for that gene mutation, I might want to think about removing my ovaries, too.  At first I didn't think I even wanted the test, as I already have breast cancer and have already decided on the bi-lateral mastectomy and my daughter will start screening EARLY as well...  But now that she brings up ovarian cancer, I will most definitely be tested.

That's all I've got for now.  Time for me to relax.

Another Biopsy

I had an MRI assited biopsy this morning of two different areas on my right breast.  (My original tumor is on my left.)  These two suspicious areas did not show up on my mammogram, they were seen on the MRI I had last week.  We are hoping that they turn out to be benign, but if not it may change the type of treatment I get.  The tumor on my left side is called a triple negative invasive ductal carcinoma.  This means that it is negative for the presence of estrogen receptors, progesterone receptors, and the HER2 protein receptors.  IF I had any of these (positive), they would use a drug that specifically targets those to stop the growth of the cancer cells.  The biopsy today was to see if these masses had a different make-up and therefore need a different drug than what has already been planned.

It was definitely harder to do than the first biopsy and harder to recouperate from as well.  I am in quite a bit of pain now, as I was last time and because I have a pretty large hematoma.  Once they were done, I wouldn't stop bleeding.  So now I look pretty silly with an ice pack in my bra for pressure and relief.

I was supposed to have a "chemo teach" this afternoon to let me know the ins and outs of my medications, side effects, and the like, but when I got to the office, I was told that there was a scheduling mix up and I was actually scheduled for tomorrow.  I have too much going on tomorrow, so I will just have to go in an hour and a half early on Thursday in order to be educated.  As far as I know, everything is still on track for me to have my first round of chemotherapy on Thursday (9/13).  Both my surgeon and my oncologist should have the results from today's procedure by then.

I know a lot of people have mentioned to me to let them know if I need anything.  I definitely appreciate the sentiment, but it's hard for me to ask, and I'm sure when I'm not feeling myself, it will be hard for me to delegate (and perhaps determine what I really need?).  I found a very good thread in an online support community that I joined, but it was hard to read (lots of responses and quoted responses and copy and paste), so I found this.  Support for loved ones during cancer treatment.  You can scroll past the first part since we're not in Australia.  :)

And as an FYI, my cousin has put together a team of my family members for a "Making Strides Against Breast Cancer" walk on October 13 in my honor.  Please consider donating to the American Cancer Society.  http://main.acsevents.org/goto/Courtneyspinkpals

Now I'm Mad!

An update before the rant:  I met with the oncologist again.  I am all set to start chemotherapy on next Thursday, 9/13.  I also have more "suspicious" tissue in my right breast that was found on my MRI.  That will be biopsied as well to see if it is cancer and if it is, what KIND.  This might dictate additional treatment.

Here's the rant:  Cancer is EXPENSIVE!!!  I got one bill today.  Just one, from my mammogram.  I am now in tears.  My funeral would be cheaper.  I am so angry that our insurance only covers 80% of my treatment.  I am now angry our income is well above what would qulaify us for financial assistance.  As if we haven't had enough financial struggles, now we have to deal with THIS.

Today was the first time I cried about this whole situation.  I sat in the oncologist's office and saw a woman wearing a v-neck shirt with nice breasts.  Yes I noticed, I won't pretend.  I was suddenly aware that my chest has been marred forever.  Even if no one will see the scars on my actual breasts, (I think I have already opted to have a double mastectomy and reconstruction), I just had a mediport inserted.  I will never be able to wear a v-neck without feeling self-conscious.  And I have to PAY for this disfiguration.  I have to pay 20% of everything.  And 100% of whatever my insurance thinks I don't need.  Like apparently I didn't need that mammogram?  And I had a comment (I forgive her for her ignorance) today "It's good that the insurance has to pay for new ones."  I don't want the insurance to pay for new ones!  I like the ones I got for free!!  I have to pay for them to be removed so that they don't kill me.

I don't know how I'm going to do it.  I don't know how I can focus on getting healthy and taking care of my children without feeling guilty every minute that this treatment costs so much.  I don't know how I can be thankful that I am getting the treatment that I need to stay alive when it would be so much cheaper NOT to.  This is not fair.  The fact that I have cancer already isn't fair.  The fact that we can't pay for cancer pisses me off.

A Reflection of Sorts

I know it's cliche, but I believe God has a plan for me. 

I'm sure many people have come to points in their lives when they ponder "why me?"  I actually have not asked this question in regard to my cancer.  I know the diagnosis is still fresh, so maybe that's the reason.  Or maybe the reason is that I have seen people die of cancer and others beat it.  God has a plan for each person affected; those who actually had the disease and those who watched them suffer.  It could be as simple as no longer judging others, like the saying "until you walk a mile in their shoes..."  It could be becoming determined on finding the CURE.  It could be raising awareness, it could be rasing money. 

 

The plan could be something great, or maybe I could be His tool to show that cancer CAN happen to a 28 year old.  I have already been told that this has been a reality check for some people.  So I'm glad about that.  Hey you reading this-  Go to the doctor regularly.  Get checked!  I'm not glad that I have cancer, but if just ONE person "benefits" from my cancer, I am glad that I could be a useful tool.

 

Some updates on the medical situation:  I have my port insertion surgery tomorrow (9/5) morning.  I'm anxious about this since this is only the second surgery I've had in my life.  My first and only other one was when I had my wisdom teeth removed right after graduating high school.  I had an MRI today (torture holding still for that long!) and as soon as I got in the car to leave, I received a phone call from my oncologist.  He had reviewed my CT scan and found no spots on any other organs.  I do have a couple of enlarged lymph nodes, but that's not guaranteed cancer and they'll remove those when they remove my breast tumor.

 

Again, let me know if you have any questions!  And if anybody has any tips or suggestions for me, I'd love to hear them.