Pinch Me, Please.

It really does feel like a dream.  3 months ago, I was worried about getting in all my internship hours and finally finishing school.  Now that I'm done with school, I have to worry about fighting cancer.  I didn't really think this was the "next step" in my life.  Honestly, I didn't think that cancer would evade me, I always knew it could happen, but at 28?  Isn't it supposed to be for post-menopausal women?  But obviously cancer doesn't discriminate. 

Now I'm recovering from my first round of chemotherapy and the haze that was this past weekend.  I've been told that it only gets worse as treatment goes on- that it is harder to bounce back after each infusion- and I can't help but wonder HOW?  The doctors decided on a dose dense treatment because I'm young and supposedly can handle it, but I'm really not sure I can.  I've got three of my own children that I need to take care of, plus three other ones that I WANT to take care of.  This is not me.  I cannot be weak.

As I updated, Saturday was spent in bed.  I remember barely anything.  No vomitting, thank goodness, but I discovered that the meds that were keeping me from throwing up were actually causing me to not be able to keep my eyes open.  When there's a warning on the bottle that says "May cause blurred vision," I might want to think twice about taking it.  I feel SO much better since cutting that out.  I'm definitely not 100% yet.  Or even 90%.  I'm probably about 75%, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I get back to the 90% in order to have my little boy's birthday this weekend.

Right now, the most unpleasant thing I'm dealing with (aside from the this weekend) is the icky mouth.  Chemo kills new cells, so all the cells in my mouth are dying.  I have dry mouth, I have a film, I can feel the skin coming off, and I can't taste anything.  I'm using the rinse that my nurse practitioner suggested to combat mouth sores, but I'm still frustrated.  And my stomach hurts.  The chemo also kills the good bacteria that grows in the intestinal tract, so my digestion is way off.  I eat, but don't digest...

I'm on day #7 and I think my hair is starting to come out.  No chunks or anything yet, but when I combed it out after my shower today, there was definitely more than normal in the comb.  I will definitely be wig shopping in the next couple of days.  And I am planning on getting a hot pink one.  If not now, when?  :)

When I get twinges in my breast, I like to imagine the cancer cells dying.  When I was first diagnosed and felt anything, I disgustingly thought about how the disease was rapidly multiplying.  Now it's on its way out.  I can't wait to see the tumor shrink- to have measurable results.  Both my oncologist and my surgeon think this will be the case.  I still am not sure what the future of my treatment will be, though I am keeping my fingers crossed that once I have my mastectomy, my margins will be clear along with the lymph nodes.

Oh, and by the way, everyone is invited to my 30th birthday party.  I used to say that this would be the last year I was going to age (I turn 29 one week from yesterday), but I have decided that my 30th birthday celebration will be a big hoopla.  This cancer will be GONE, and that is a great reason to celebrate.