Survivor?

I had an appointment with my oncologist on Thursday (2/14) and he referred to me as a "survivor."  I guess technically I am cancer free.  But I don't feel as though these phrases really apply to me.  I am still fighting.  I am still working on making sure the cancer doesn't show up again in the coming years.  I am currently in the "expansion" part of my reconstruction and hopefully will be starting my radiation treatments in 1-2 months.

And I guess I've lost my positivity.  I have been thinking and saying WHEN the cancer comes back, not IF.  And I guess it's because I'm scared.  Up until my surgery, I saw the tumor as something we were going to treat and get rid of and then I was going to move on with my life.  After the surgery, when I found out I did in fact have cancer in my lymph nodes, I now imagine the microscopic cells invading other parts of my body.  I know that the chemo should have taken care of those and that is the exact reason we started my treatment with chemo.  But I think of the aggressiveness of the cancer I did have (how quickly my tumor grew in the first place!), and I feel that it somehow escaped the poisoning.  I have nightmares about- I had one where once I was deceased, they examined my liver and it was covered with breast cancer cells, and another one where I won the lottery but my husband had to pay for all my medical bills and my funeral with the money.

On a different note, I am feeling incredibly blessed and humbled by the outpouring of support.  I am truly dumbfounded by how many people have reached out to me to tell me that I am in their thoughts and prayers.  And I am also incredibly grateful for those of you who have been so generous in donating to help with the bills.  I'm not sure how to go about ackowledging each of you individually, but please, please, please don't think I take any of your kindnesses for granted.