Three months ago, I was expecting this post to contain all sorts of different news. I was expecting to be sharing the success of my implant exchange surgery and hysterectomy. I was expecting to have undergone another PET scan and share the news that the spots still present the same. Instead, I want to share with all my followers that these procedures are being postponed.
It turns out that they don't do elective procedures on pregnant women. I'll have to wait at least another 8 months to resume. I'll let you take a minute to digest that. I know it took me a LOT longer than a minute to digest that news.
To be completely honest, my first thought when that line on the pee stick turned pink was, "Holy crap, we screwed up." So many emotions flooded me. Shock, anger, sadness. I kept waiting for the happiness to kick in. I was shocked because of course I was taken by surprise. I had discussed my hysterectomy (due to the BRCA1 gene mutation) with my doctor not even a month before. My chemo treatments had thrown me into what is referred to as "chemopause," and when my cycles returned, they weren't exactly textbook. Never in a million years did I think I would have more children. I had accepted that and made peace with that. I was angry because things were just starting to look up. I was making plans to go for my Master's degree. We had left behind the baby phase. We were going to leave behind the cancer phase. I felt as though pregnancy was a set back. I was sad too. I still live in fear of cancer. I still talk about "when" it comes back and not "if." I'm sad because now instead of leaving my husband with three children if I die, I now leave four. How is that fair? To him? To them?
But, as I have said all along, it is what it is. Perhaps it's time for plan xyz. It happens. It has definitely happened more than once (100 times?) to me, but I just accept it and move on. I talked to my oncologist early on and he congratulated me. He is not concerned with the actual pregnancy as I was already considered with "no evidence of disease." My cancer was not fueled by hormones, so it is assumed that the pregnancy hormones will not fuel cancer regrowth. It truly does make me nervous that I won't have the follow up PET to look at the "spots" again, but the doctor said we'll just do it once baby arrives. The worst case scenario is to get aggressive after delivery.
My hysterectomy will take place 6 weeks after delivery (so long as there is still no evidence of disease). I think the first question I asked my OB at my initial visit was "Can we do a C-section and a hysterectomy at the same time?" This can't happen again. I cannot put myself and my family at risk by waiting any longer. Unfortunately, even though tubes can be tied during a section, removing vital parts is too risky immediately after delivery. Everything is stretched and very vascular, so bleeding risk is astronomical. In other words- definitely not a good idea. So now we're hoping for another uncomplicated vaginal delivery, normal healing, and then a laparoscopic hysterectomy 6 weeks after.
After I heal from birth and hysterectomy, I will have my tissue expanders swapped for my permanent implants. I still have "boulders" in place and I'm even more looking forward to providing "pillows" for this new little person, I just wish that we didn't have to wait so long. Next winter is going to be pretty busy for me. Lots of procedures and lots of healing. If you pray, I'd love you to ask for me to be able to handle all that healing as well as the healing from my original battle.
Obviously, due to everything my body has been through the past year and a half, this pregnancy is proving to be really had on my body. My very first inclination that I might be pregnant was a severe gag reflex. I remember a couple instances where it took one smell and I vomited. As soon as I had a positive pregnancy test, I also had morning sickness. I went through craving something only to smell it and become nauseated. I went through taking my vitamins and 10 minutes later puking them up. And of course I couldn't eat for the first half of the day. Now that I'm almost 13 weeks along (due the middle of September), most of that has subsided. However, now I'm dealing with some nasty anemia symptoms. When my blood was drawn at 8 weeks, my hemoglobin came back VERY low. The OB told me to get on iron supplements ASAP, but even those don't seem to be helping. I am incredibly exhausted every single day. I struggle to make it through. If I am not able to nap, I'm sleeping by 8-8:30. The past couple of days I have been having extreme weakness, achiness, headaches, and dizziness. I had blood drawn and will see the oncologist on Wednesday to see what he thinks is the cause or what the plan of action should be. It's really hard to go about my daily activities feeling like this all the time.
After expressing interest in volunteering my hands and time to the Cassie Hines Shoes Cancer Foundation, I have been invited to attend their board of directors' meetings. I am so very excited to get involved with his awesome organization and can't to see what my future with them has in store. I will be going back to school when the time is right and I am hoping to be able to provide professional services for them eventually. http://www.cassiehinesshoescancer.org/
The next chapter of my life isn't as I expected it to be. But two years ago, I had no inkling that I would be where I am now. Life is funny like that, you know? It is what it is. We move forward with what we have been given. XOXO to all my readers!
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