A Break

Courtney was composing this last post around Oct. 8 2014 when she was at the hospital with Tyler for his choking incident.  She did not get to finish it, because this is when she started getting the headaches. When I have the time to do it properly, I will add final post to her blog detailing her final weeks.
Thanks, Mark



I apologize for not updating more often.  I have had a couple of people ask if there was anything new and there kind of is.  My life is kind of crazy and it's hard for me to find down time that I don't need to use for sleeping.

As I type this, I am on a chemo break.  I started my weekly infusions two weeks after my son's birth, but was only able to squeeze in four treatments before my blood counts (both hemoglobin and platelets) tanked again.  At first, the plan was just one week off and then resume treatment.  When my counts still hadn't come up, I was given a shot called Procrit that is designed specifically for boosting red blood cells in patients receiving chemotherapy.  After the shot, I was given another two weeks off to let the numbers come back up.  After that two week break, I had my blood drawn again and the platelet count had gone up, but the hemoglobin had dropped even lower!  I was scheduled for a blood transfusion the next day.

I had been feeling off.  I had been feeling tired.  I was chalking it up to the chemo accumulation and get getting up 2-3 times a night with a new baby.  I didn't realize that it could be that my hemoglobin was dangerously low at 6.3.  Medical professionals were surprised that I was carry about my normal daily activities.  Now the concern is WHY it is having trouble coming back up.  My doctor has two theories.  Either this specific chemo is too hard on my bone marrow, which is where the blood is made, or there are metastases in the bone marrow standing in the way of blood production.  He's not too convinced on the latter since my white blood cells remained stable and my platelets came up.  It was just the hemoglobin I seem to be having a problem with.  After the transfusion, my level came back up to 10.4.

I have another PET scan scheduled for this coming Wednesday (10/15).  I have been having persistent lower back pain that at first I thought might just be because I've been walking unassisted all the time now.  However, it's not better in the morning after sleeping all night or worse at night after walking all day.  It's pretty much a constant ache.  So doc wants to rule out more metastases.   He also thinks now is a good time to evaluate how my body is responding to this chemo in regard to getting rid of the cancer.  If it has been effective, he may keep me on it and just change my schedule.  If it has not been effective, changing to a different drug will be justified.

I have become a part of a couple of cancer communities since original diagnosis and a couple more since the stage four diagnosis.  I need a place where I can bounce ideas, ask for opinions, and hear the been there done that stories.  Unfortunately, being friends with so many who have cancer means that I see death, too.  More so than in "real life." (Even though I have suffered losses in real life, too.)  I grieve for friends and families left behind.  I grieve for children who are left without mothers.  Cancer STOLE these lives!  Each time, it's tough, but when I see someone who has worn the same kind of shoes as me...

I start to ponder my own death.  How long do I really have?  This disease IS going to kill me (unless I die in a car crash or other fluke accident).  6 months?  A year?  5 years?  Will this new baby know me?  Will my older children remember me?  Will I see my oldest graduate high school?  What about my youngest?  It scares me but more than that, makes me sad.  My family didn't sign up for this.