The Aftermath

Well, I made it.  I am now 30 years old.  I got to celebrate another birthday…

They say you do a lot of growing up when you become a parent, but I think you do a whole of a lot more growing up when you are faced with your own mortality.  I have learned more about myself, my husband, and my family in this past year than I realized there WAS to learn.  I’ve learned who cares, who just pretends to care, and who doesn’t even give any effort.

I’m not sick anymore.  I could very well still have cancer in my body, but I’m not “sick.”  I’m not being poisoned by a lifesaving drug.  I’m not recovering from surgery and I’m not being exposed to radiation on a daily basis.  That’s all behind me now.  But you know what’s not?  The need for support.  I am in my darkest days NOW.  I am emotionally unstable- some days I wish I hadn’t survived.  I’m angry that I have and others haven’t, I’m feeling guilty because my disease has burdened my family, I don’t feel like *myself* anymore, knowing I have physical limitations.  Just as I knew before my diagnosis that I had cancer, I knew I’d make it through that battle.  I’m fighting a different battle now, but does anyone else recognize that?

When I first got my current job, I was so excited to be able to grow with the company/clinic/team.  I love my job, I love what we do there.  But now I’m finding out that there are so many other things that I’m more passionate about.  I’m finding that this position (while I still LOVE it) is not what I’m called to do.  I am in search of a way to help others feel less alone than I feel.  I really do feel isolated.  And it sucks.  I feel taken for granted.  And it sucks.  I feel like everyone sees me as *okay* now, but I’m not.   I want to be able to help others in ways that I have not been helped.

I mentioned the Young Survival Coalition in a couple of my other posts.  I want to be able to fundraise for them.  I mentioned that this was the organization I turned to with questions and frustrations when I knew no one else could give me that.  I was also able to experience an organization called The Cassie Hines Shoes Cancer Foundation this summer.  They provided my husband and I with a fun day at camp completely free of charge.  I was able to connect with other survivors and have fun without being a “cancer patient.”  Their mission right now is to be able to provide travel funds to young adults who want to experience weekly retreats and eventually build one of their own here in Michigan.  I know it sounds far-fetched, but I think I might love to work for them!  I attended a night out called the Stephen Tulloch Evening of Hope honoring breast cancer survivors this past Friday.  In listening to speeches and being able to be there myself, it became  even more clear to me just how much I needed to fill my own needs to help others.  We’ll see where that passion takes me…

When I was first diagnosed, I posted how I thought God was using me as a tool.  I got affirmation of that in talking to my aunt.  She told me that I saved her life.  I scoffed at the idea- really?  That was the reason I developed cancer?  I guess it turns out that I very well could have saved more than just one of my family members’ lives.  And I am glad that my disease and my battle were not in vain.  She will be having a preventative mastectomy in just over a week from now.  With her permission, here is a snippit of an email she sent to her family and friends.

"Because of her young age & the aggressiveness of her cancer, she was advised to be checked for the BRCA gene. She was positive.  She was persistent in her encouragement for the rest of our family to be tested but we didn’t see a history of breast cancer in our family & were quite certain that she must have inherited this gene from her mother’s side.  It was only on a rainy drive to my sister's chemotherapy appointment that we decided together to be tested. It started to all make sense. Our sister had breast cancer 3 years ago, our mother died of Pancreatic Cancer which is also tied to this gene & my oldest sister was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer in February.  We were both tested & she and I are both positive for BRCA1. After much prayer I have made the choice to have preventative surgery. I feel so blessed that God has equipped me with this knowledge before any sickness was able to invade my body. Many of my family members were not as fortunate."

In what we in the cancer community refer to as “Pinktober,” I step onto the soapbox and encourage you to please please please check yourself.  Breast cancer is not just an old woman’s disease.  It is not just a woman’s disease.  If something seems off, get it checked!!  We are aware of breast cancer- but it doesn’t always happen to someone else.  And in true awareness/fundraising form, if you want to help, please donate directly to a charity or organization.  If you want to sport the pink ribbon, please purchase from a source who actually donates money to the cause and doesn’t just make money off of you.  Besides, we need a cure, not more pink clothing.